A perfect Nigerian politician

Presidential press release
Dated: April 11th 2013

It is with great urgency, that i have deemed it fit to correct the clueless rejoinders and abysmal reaction conspicuously exhibited and expressed by some rapacious and despicable politicians. It greatly saddens me to note that the situation in the world today has made it difficult for us to curtail the draconic and nusianic ideologies of this unscrupulous element that is geared towards fanning the embers of hatred and discord. If a proper senility test is not conducted to determine the ranging level of their stupidity, Nigeria might eventually be regarded as an aboard of mentally decapitated individuals.it is soo unfortunate that the good people of this country have resulted to remaining mute when wrong utterances are made to demean the philanthropic and dedicated goal of the Obasanjo, Yaradua Jonathan’s government.
Since the day my mother gave me breath on earth, I have never seen a government soo dedicated as this; a government that places the priority of its citizen’s first before that of their individual families. It is with great confidence that I let us know today, that what this government has achieved within a space of two month, British, America, France and Russia could not achieve in 200 years. As a result of our assiduous effort, we have been able to ensure that Nigerians enjoys stable power supply; thus, it is apparent that I let us know that this government has escalated our power supply from 2,000 megawatts to 50,000 megawatts. The previous government mutilated and disfigured the economic state of this country; a fact we cannot dispute…we all lost hope in Nigeria: many concluded that Nigeria was dead and buried; and the only feasible possibility of her resurrection would be the personal intervention of God Almighty. I want to emphatically make it know to us that our Prophesies, insinuation and prayers has eventually come to pass. God has indeed answered our prayers by giving us a God fearing leader: one who identifies the pain, expresses the pain, and then ensures that the pain is corrected or rectified.
This government, through its rational laid down plans enabled the transmogrification of all the various sectors in Nigeria. Through the privatization of some sectors of the Nigerian economy, Nigeria is been ranked as the fastest growing economy in the world today; through stipulated seven point agenda, Nigerians enjoy infrastructures most political pundits felt we could never put in place. When this government first advocated for the re-branding of the Nigeria nation, most people said the move was inconsequential-today, because of the re-branding project, Nigerians are regarded as the most sincere people on earth…and all we breathe in this part of the world is ‘fresh air.’ We all can attest to the massive growth and development being recorded in our country today; consequently, any ploy or clueless statement made by repulsive mentally decapitated zooist politicians, should be ignored and regarded as utter fallacy. As I would always say, Nigeria is sick and the only medicine she needs is this government. Thank you all and God bless you.
Signed
Special adviser to the president on media matters
El rufai, Kayode Orji.

The following press release took place between 12 noon to 1pm.

INTERVIEW:
The following interview took place between 1:30pm to 2:30pm.
1.2.3…gohhh……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Journalist: My name is Joy Audu and you are welcome to brekete talk…with me today is a very prominent politician; one who so many people say speaks the truth in the wrong way…his apt analysis of the political situation in country today, has earned him a lot of respect from opposition partys…good afternoon sir and welcome to brekete show…
Politician: Good afternoon miss…
Journalist: we thank you for giving us the opportunity to speak to you today, considering the fact that we didn’t inform you about the interview earlier.
Politician: ahhh that is no problem…that’s no problem!…I am always with the view that the affairs of our country comes first, and in several occasssions I have replicated my views through my action and this is not far from one of them.
Journalist: my esteemed views, it is important that I let us know that chief accepted to grant us this interview, thirty minutes after the whole drama transpired in Aso rock, and I must confess he is indeed a rear gem…
Politician: thanks for the compliment…
Journalist: back to the main issue sir, as someone who has hobnobbed, and some cases rigmaroled on the behalf of this present government, what can you say about the present Nigeria government, their impact in the life of Nigeria’s citizens…are they really doing the right thing?
Politician: I must state it clearly that I have no business with this present anti peoples government; however, I would not tolerate any ungodly insinuation that is geared towards portraying me as a loyalist of this clueless government…firstly, let me introduce myself, I am chief El rufai, Kayode Orji. It is very unfortunate that some of you (journalist) display symptoms of cluelessness like the present government; how would you begin an interview without introducing the interviewed? It is soo unfortunate that Nigeria has become an aboard of cluelessness, something that doesn’t amaze me anyway….
Journalist: but sir i...
Politician: Stop but siring me woman...that aside. As you all know, I am a politician with great prospect; one believes things should be done in the right way-and in situation where individuals or body vested with this responsibility are found wanting, pro-active steps should be taken to re-direct their cluelessness. Nigeria is a country endowed with massive resources, a country in my own opinon that was designed after God woke up from his siesta (he shakes his head ruefully and then clipped his both lips together). But we have been invaded, incarcerated, desecrated and piqued into believing in mediocrity. Instead of the victims of this mental and psychological genocide to correct these economic pogrom infested on them by some rapacious fools; all I see them do is “whimpers of rueful expression.” The government of Obasanjo, Yaradua Jonathan has failed the Nigerian masses in every ramification and edification. It deeply pains me to see individuals who are meant to alleviate the suffering of its people, orchestrating their prompt exit from the world. Seventy percent of our countries budget ends up in the pocket of our politicians, whereas, the remaining 30 percent are not even fully utilized. So how would things ever work out?
Journalist: but sir the…
Politician: comon shut up…I have warned you to stop but siring me…ayiiii! You don’t even know the right time to intrude when someone is talking…I bet you finished from the same clueless university as our clueless president.
Journalist: sir, why would you…
Politician: kai kai kai comon shut up…have I finished talking? Eh? I beg you with God don’t interrupt me again…you see, the present caliber of people in government are a compendium of mediocrity; individuals who are just concerned about the money they get from the government; people who are unperturbed by the quagmatic state they have thrusted our country. I am deeply pained by the situation in our country, and I have sworn to do everything possible to oust this anti people’s government. This dream of mine cannot be attainable if we keep whimpering. It is time my great people of Nigeria, to hold our fate by our hands, resisting it from the grips of these benefactors of corruption, and placing it in a direction that pleases us all. I have often made it known to the people who care to listen, that Nigeria’s politics is only a contest of egos and a domain of special interest. However, through my propagation, I am hoping to change things and eventually make a difference. Nigerians far and wide who share in my idiosyncrasy shouldn’t just treat these issues with levity, but rather, see this as a clarion call to help re-write the history of our great nation by bulldozering and unknotting it from the rapacious grip of our clueless politicians…
Journalist: oga you don finish?
Politician: are you talking to me? Eh?... Am I speaking to a wood? …Abi u no get mouth ke?( ranting in the background ) …”idiot conconbility…I will teach you a lesson you would never forget.”
Journalist: thank you all for keeping a date with us…I still remain my humble self-Joy Audu. Catch up with us same time, same station next week; until then, have a love filled week.
Kpushhhhhhh…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
She boisterously pranced up from the beautifully colored studio chair, making no notice of the gigantic figure that sat close to her; heads to rear reserved specifically for staffs. She remained unseen for about three minute…when eventually she showed up again, she looked so transformed; it was obvious she was heading for her martial arts lesson. She was on a white Japanese keikogi(practice dress or cloth), with a black belt strapped around her waist and a white cloth tied around her head. Joy Audu’s reaction to the whole scenario was indeed an incongruous sight to the organization and Journalist at large. The situation that day portrayed an entirely different approach in solving the problems of the Nigerian people. The world would for the second time watch Delilah defeat and destroy the reputation of Samson. The worrying thing is that in this case, Delilah would not use her bodily, lewd, lustful and lecherous tricks to defeat Samson, but her bare fist. Everyone could see that Joy’s face was beamed with anger, and trying to restrain her meant doom for such individual. She scanned her face round the studio room, hoping to get a glimpse of him…when it was obvious he had exited the studio room-she hurriedly raced out of the room like a woman being chased by a ghost.
Vaaaaaammmmmm………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Politician: Mr. Adoke, I see you as a very honorable man who shares in my dream for Nigeria, I am hoping you join my movement to ensure that the glory of this country is restored to its original state.
Mr. Adoke: sir, I am greatly moved by your passion for Nigeria, and am hoping… (Strings of ranting are heard in the background).
Journalist: Where is that rear devil?...come tell me if na me tell president Obasanjo, Yaradua Godluck make him sack you, wey you come dey yarn me okpete for that studio…I just keep quiet for that studio because we dey national television. Na now I go teach you lesson wey your mama no fit teach you.
Politician: You scalawag, who do you think you are addressing in such uncouth manner…
Journalist: If you like talk any vocabulary wey you like, I must pana beat you today and vocabulary no go fit save you…even my oga no fit do anything……
Mr. Adoke being the managing director of brekete television station, had a comprehensive knowledge of all his staff; and he knew that Joy Audu is a very irascible individual-should he interfere in her affairs, then trouble awaits him…he furtively gave her bit distance, strapped his both hands around his chest and watched like a spectator…she grabs his babariga, pulls him closer…all effort by chief El rufai, Kayode Orji to resist her grip proved abortive; he staggered down in front of her like a drunk who is paying homage to her queen. She then clips her right hand around his neck and then descended upon him with strings of blow “wayo, okpemi, ogbu emu” he wailed…. “sam, sam, sam, mahhhh…please go and open the gate for me I want to go to work.” It was then I realized that I was only dreaming… “ahh, it was just a dreamm; anyway sha Nigeria politics na action film.” To be continued…
By
Diyoke, Samuel Peter.
Email: samdiyoke@gmail.com